Page from journal.


Photo on 5-24-16 at 4.53 PM #8Marshall McLuhan said that “everyone has the best seat in the house.” We should stay where we are.  What does that mean to you?

This I got from a freshman journalism class. Personal journalism. Minimalist, terse, telegraphic, tight writing. Keep a journal.
That said, I’ve been reading some family history written by a cousin, Helen Margaret Bonde. One might think that my mother wrote this. Not so. Two women had identical names. Helen has done remarkable research.
In the old family, people lived to be 11. Or 43. Or 3. Or … you get the picture. I don’t know if they suffered melancholy like I do. I’m getting used to it. Now I will address it. I suspect the young people died of respiratory diseases, the older people suffered from cancers.
According to Chinese wisdom, melancholy is an attribute of an inferior man. The superior man is joyful. I am not joyful. We need superior people to be leaders, to take us forward, where we need to go in life; in the world.
Modern medical practitioners, like my internist and psychiatrist, employ a variety of antidepressants and antipsychotics and mood stabilizers for people like me. Sometimes, they even prescribe stimulants, but less often. At this moment, I am on three medicines: two antidepressants that work by differing, but complementary modes, and one antipsychotic that seems to help depression. One side effect is early morning wakening. That’s why I got up this morning at about four. Last winter I usually slept until 9 or 10 a.m. if I had no morning duties or appointments. I didn’t have a dog then.
During the dark hours of last winter my depression was so bad I sat around and wept when I wasn’t in bed sleeping. Of course I thought constantly about death, welcoming the thought of relief from suffering. I wrote about this period in my journal, even publicizing it. This upset my relatives. They feared for my survival, despite my reassurances. How good it is now!
Those days are past, it is June, the birds sing in the morning, and I feel I have energy to pursue writing, my passion. I will not be a great writer because I write only for myself and for the amusement of a few loyal readers.
It’s odd, really. I still feel incredibly sober and sad. Broken hearted really, but I can experience happiness and optimism for the first time in a long, long time. I still think my puppy Gunther plays a large part in helping me feel alive again.
I do a variety of activities and I don’t want to overdo any to the detriment of the others. These days my favorite things are writing, reading, church, singing, working one day a week in a busy pharmacy, taking care of my dog, taking a nap, digging the garden, fussing with pictures.
Writing encompasses a variety of activities, depending upon the subject. Of course histories require research. The best writing comes from experiences about town. Fortunately, we live close to downtown Billings, Montana, and walking takes me to the theater, the YMCA, the restaurants and bars, all in a short period.
Drinking: I like to drink and I would smoke marijuana if it were legal. Trouble is, I’ve experienced low mood after drinking, so an evening without usually heralds a good morning. My drink of choice is wine, therefore I may be called an alcoholic wino. “Wino” is short for Oenophile. This is a fancy name for a drunk. I like drinking, but being a drunk sucks.
I don’t mind staying home. On the other hand, I have some continuing pharmacy education in about half an hour.
What else’s in store today? A friend asked me to repair a door. I need to replace a credit card with a worn stripe. The theater workshop needs cleaning and organizing. I can go there any time I want because I have a key and a code to turn off the alarm.
The best thing is that nobody knows what’s in store. I hope to wake Gunther about 7:30 when I return from the continuing education class. Take him for a walk around the block.


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